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Friday, May 31, 2002

Show on TV about perimenopause. I think I've had it my entire life. So if it's supposed to start in the late 30's once again I'm ahead of schedule. Yeppers - tomorrow I'll be celebrating my birthday at work. I'll be 32 this weekend. Since I never thought I'd live to see 30 I take every year as a blessing.

Today bank harrassed me at work until I brought them a check for my car pmt. This is the THIRD check I've written for this month's payment. So I have to put a stop payment on yet another check. Sheesh. They were really snippy with me. I think our mailman is screwing up because my vendors have been yelling that they aren't getting payment timely either. And I have no reason to withold payment from any of them because the business is doing really well and they have plenty of $$$.Gotta be the mailman. Our regular mailman is in vacation. Can't wait till he gets back.

Other than that today wasn't too bad. I felt crummy all day - lots of joint pain, but Advil has knocked it out pretty good. Middle chiild and I played on the porch for awhile and then went on a firefly hunt. Didn't catch any but had a great time running up and down the hill and chasing them. We talked for a long time while I folded laundry and cleaned out my notebooks. Now middle and youngest (k2 and k3 from here on out) are playing on the floor making a city out of Lego and wood blocks. Harry Potter has no head - no - Harry Potter has a Troll head!!!!! I love these kids - they are so much fun.

Good thing for today:Playing catch the toy frog and hunting for fireflies.

Thursday, May 30, 2002

Found out yesterday that the dr called in by the hospital to do oldest child's surgery doesn't take our insurance. So I'm going to have to pay for the surgery. And we can't follow up with him because I'd have to pay for an office visit - which I cannot afford. Joy. Also bank called about my car and were nasty as usual but finally admitted that since I am paying they can't take my car even though I am behind. All they can do is send me nasty letters. Did't get new car this weekend - found a truck I REALLY want but the payments would be higher than I can afford. So I'll add to my mantra.

My mom is getting on my nerves. She always wants to be the center of attention, and while she was getting attention for oldest child being sick, she was so nice and happy. Now that oldest child is on the mend and everybody's stopping by to visit, talk with, etc. my mom is getting really bitchy. Last night she was griping that I don't have any food in the house and the kids need new shoes. I told her I DID have food, just it would have to be prepared. And I couldn't afford shoes right now so they could either wear their old ones or go barefoot. It is summer after all. So then she said she's have to drive her car off a bridge so we could get her insurance money. My mom is really into these games, and I quit playing them a long time ago.I told her it probably wouldn't even be enough to bury her, and that then I'd be worse off because I wouldn't have a baby sitter and I've have to pay daycare. She shut up pretty quick after that. I know it sounds cruel, but she thrives on pity. Seriously. I'll post more about her in days to come I'm sure.

Anyway, everybody else is doing fine. Borrowed Harry Potter from a friend whose kids are with their dad this weekend so we watched it twice last night and it was on when Ileft the house this morning. One of eldest child's friends looks JUST LIKE Harry Potter, they call him Harry Pot-head.

Good thing for today: Watching Harry Potter.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

First day back at work since last Wednesday and the boss was on my case all day. It seems like everyone blames me or expects me to fix everything that goes wrong. The girls who were working the sales floor Friday really screwed up the cash drawer, and suddenly it's up to me to figure out what they did/fix it. I am so tired of this job.

Oldest child still doing well, though I think we've popped a couple of stitches. Middle child seems totally well. I'm watching the youngest very closely since I figure she may be next. I'm saying extra prayers for her since the other two seem to have come under some pretty heavy attack.

Geez my kids are hyper. Yesteday we celebrated Memorial Day by cooking out and sitting around doing nothing. My middle child completely trashed my kitchen and oldest child's room before I got up in the morning. So my house now looks worse than it did before I had to get it ready for inspection.

Goog thing for today: Ex being served child support papers.

Sunday, May 26, 2002

We're home from the hospital. Came home yesterday. Oldest is doing much much better. Still sore at incision site, but otherwise OK. We've only taken 4 pain pills all day, and we're allowed 2 every 4 hours. So we must be on the mend.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch watching original Star Wars: A New Hope. My youngest is sitting with me. Supposed to be sleeping but not. Asking "Are those the bad guys?"

Tomorrow I'm going to get a new car. I don;t know hat kind or anything yet - but the bank that I'm financed with now is stupid and my engine light is still on. I took it in to be looked at and they said everything's OK. Also the door open light stays on all the time and I've had to take the bulbs out of my dome lights to keep them from staying on all the time.

I'm so tired and I think I'm coming down with pneumonia again - I had it a couple of years ago and was miserable. I'll also stop by a doc-in-the-box tomorrow if I'm not feeling any better.

Middle child is sleeping in oldest child's room since oldest is in my bed and the cat got sick on the floor in kiddos' room and it still smells really bad in there even though I cleane it up. I really wish they made sleeping pills for little kids. Mine are driving me totally insane. They always promise they will be good/quiet/not fight, but they never ever do. They are not at all well behaved and I hate to say that about my own kids. I know if I spent more time with them I could get them in line. I wish I could afford to. Back to my mantra.....

Dog is tearing up the living room tossing his stuffed elephant around. I have such a headache. I love this part of the movie (Luke whining):"I was going to Tarshi Station to pick up some power converters"

Good thing for today: Did some laundry.

Friday, May 24, 2002

Sitting here in the hospital with oldest child. Watching some show about Harley Davidson on the History chanel. Hospital TV sucks - just like hospital food. Other than that not alot going on. Little ones miss me and their sibling. Dogs sure miss us. My aunt is coming by several times a day - chastizing me for not allowing my mom to rest. But oldest child doesn't like my mom very much - and also wants Mommy. Which I guess is understandable. At least I don't have to be back at work until Tuesday. I may go in for a few hours Monday to make up some of the work I've missed.

Right now we want ice cream. And not the generic hospital ice cream. Ben and Jerry's. So tomorrow when my aunt comes I'm off to fetch some. At least we're off the Foley and we're meds by mouth now. Although we are disappointed to be off the PCA pump. We enjoyed being able to press a button and dose ourselves with meds whenever we needed it. I wonder why the d/c'ed the PCA while we're still on an IV. I would think they'd leave the PCA in as long as they could. But damn it Jim, I'm a chemist, not a physician.

Good thing for today: My baby is getting better.

Thursday, May 23, 2002

Oldest child is in the hospital. Emergency appendectomy this morning about 2am. When I got home from work symptoms were much worse and pain was better localized, so I didn't even call for a referral, just went straight to the ER. So now I am totally exhausted and home with my two little ones while my mo sits with the eldest.

My aunt came to visit and showed off pictures of my new baby cousin (my cousin's new baby). It's their fist girl after two boys. I guess my cousin can quit now.

Eldest still very doped up and will be in hospital for a few days. Some kidney infection. FWIW - they ran a urinalysis on what they had in the Foley bag - totally fine. So no kidney infection at all. I'm wondering if I should complain to the administration about the ER doc that summarily dismissed us in the morning. Evening ER staff was wonderful - they kept us on pain meds and got us to surgery as soon as the could, were very attentive in spite of a busy night, and were just generally great. Only bad part was when they repeatedly grilled my child about sexual history, of which there apparently is none. This upset my child greatly that they wouldn't just accept virginity as an answer, but we persisted and indeed proved we did not have any STDs when test came back. I tried to explain that many 14yr-old lie about sexual history to avoid getting in trouble with parents, etc. We were just trying to figure out what was wrong.

I was up all night in the ER, then waiting to get out of surgery/recovery. Then they finally took us up to our room at 6am. The nurses on the floor are horrible. Not all of them, but the two we had this morning. Since we are doped up they told me I could not leave to get anything to eat, and since it was too late to order from the cafeteria I'd have to wait until my mom got there after 9. when I kindly pointed out that on Mother-Baby 14-yr olds are left alone, sometimes with a newborn in the room, on PCA pumps and doped up every day they got snotty with me. I finally made them go get me some juice and crackers since I hadn't eaten all day the previous day.

When the next shift came on the tech was really really great and came in every so often so I could go smoke, eat, whatever. I slept on and off most of the morning. When my mom came with the kiddos I went by work and picked up some stuff, explained I'd be out the rest of the week, and went to the drugstore to get toothbrush, shampoo, etc. Also got coffee and Advil. Took kiddos back to my mom - they left - and took over watching eldest until evening shift came on. Around time for shift change my mom came back again with the kiddos and after the doctor (who prays with us every time we see him) finished checking us over I brought the young'uns home. Middle child is now asleep, youngest is driving me nuts.

So I'm off to bed. Hopefully mom will get some rest at the hospital and I'll be able to get some sleep here. I'm trading off again in the morning around shift change.

Good thing for today: My baby is going to be OK.

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Well the kids are officially on summer break. We started today in the ER with my oldest child. Has a raging kidney infection. So no wolner the kid has had a backache. I just thought we overdid it moving furniture or something. Glad I had it checked as that and a fever were our only symptoms.

Middle child is still awake as of 1pm - had been asleep from about noon yesterday until about 3am. So we're still sleeping too much. Youngest has sniffles and slight temp. So all three are sick for the first day of summer break. When I went home to drop oldest off before coming in to work, youngest asked when I was taking middle child to school. Apparently the fun of having sibling at home has worn off. It's going to be a looooonnnnngggggg summer.

Played around with my Handspring Visor last night - first time in months I've done anything at all with it. I really need to keep up with it as it makes my life so much easier to be organized. So my main goal until school starts is to get my life together (stop laughing!) so that things will run smoother the rest of the year (I said stop laughing!!)

Other than that not much news. Got web site sort of fixed, though products need desperately to be updated. Anybody know a good ecommerce package (that's NOT Actinic) that I can set up quickly and turn back over to my boss???? Lemme know ( )

Good thing for today: Got office cleaned up and web site functional.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

In ten minutes school for the kiddos will be out for the summer. Where has this year gone? Down a rat hole of course.
I feel like my life is slipping by. Hell, my life IS slipping by. I have zero friends and that doesn't usually bother me because I have zero time. In three weeks I will re-take Organic Chemistry and see some of the kids who consider me a friend, but they really aren't my friends. I mean, we're nice and polite to each other and all, but I certainly wouldn't share my life secrets with them, call them up to talk, or hang out with them. They're kids. I have enough kids.
Same situation at work. Either everybody is way older or way younger than me. And forget parents of my kiddos. They are in two classes - busy as hell like me, or stay-at-home moms who tend to look down their noses at working moms since we neglect our kids. Hey, I would LOVE to stay home, but we like to eat and have a roof over our heads, and a car, etc.
I keep holding out for child support - it's almost become my mantra. When the child support comes through we'll be able to buy clothes. When the child support comes through I can quit this stupid job. When the child support comes through I can concentrate on school. When the child support comes through we can move into a house. When the child support comes through the kids can take ballet/kickboxing/ice skating/piano/whatever they want. When the child support comes through I can get off food stamps. The list goes on but you get the point. OF course I proably won't be able to do ALL of things on my list, but I'm holding out hope for at least some positive change. It has been two years since I got even a penny in support from that bastard. He took my car and house out from under me and made sure my babies and I were left out on the street with nothing to our names. If I could support myself at this time without any help I would and never look back. But honestly I cannot.
Well, better get back to work. Enough ranting for today.
Good thing for today: No more rushing the kids out the door in the morning.

Monday, May 20, 2002

Yesterday I had the horrible migrane from hell. It's literally been decades since I've had one this bad, usually I can knock them out before they get bad, or since my migranes are usually allery triggered, I avaoid getting them altogether. But this one hit me full force about an hour after I got up yesterday and so I spent most of the day begging the kids to whisper and sitting in a dark room. I'm better today, but still feeling a little "off".

Work was OK today - no big issues but the boss has decided we're off without pay on Memorial Day. Being off doesn't bother me, without pay does. I was set up to do pretty well this pay period, but that cuts a whole day out of my check. Bummer. I'm working that saturday to make up for it, but it will be in the following pay period. Oh well.

I'm planning on starting to study for Organic next week, trying to get up to speed before I re-take it. I still haven't bothered to check my grades - guess I'm afraid to.

Jeez - my youngest is driving me crazy. I have begun the human jungle gym. Why is it when I try to do anything the kiddos insist on my total attention. If I were watching this stupid show on the Disney Chanel they would be totally leaving me alone.

Good thing for today: Middle child made it trough an entire day of school!!!

Saturday, May 18, 2002

My oldest is at work today and very thrilled. My baby is growing up!!!!

Been spending time at today. I hope they come out with Christmas cards.

Taking kids to see Star Wars: Send in the clones today. We're going to the 2pm show. Then picking oldest up from work. Yep - oldest child will be a senior in high scholl before old enough to drive, which is a bummer.

Good thing for today: Off work and going to see a movie.

This week is finally over. Whew. Hectic day today with the damn phone that would not stop ringing, and with complete idiots on the other end. Kiddos all asleep - oldest starts first job tomorrow morning at 7:30 -very excited.

So it's almost 1am, and I'm typing. I did start on shorts for the little ones this evening. Blue's Clue's for 4yr old and Scooby-Doo for middle child. Oldest is into more popular stuff, hence the job.

Good thing for today: Kiddos asleep!!!!!

Friday, May 17, 2002

Kids still up and fighting. Can't wait until I get a house where they each have their own rooms. Of course they'll still probably share a room until the oldest goes off to college. Specially since I'll have to move my mother in eith me to take care of her. She's counting on it, and "after all she's done for me..."

Watching "The Others" on DVD right now with subtitles on since kids are freaked out by scary music and the walls are so thin they can hear it if I turn the volume up. Middle child let hamster out of cage earlier today. So Teddy Bear is still on the loose. This movie is interesting.

Nothing much of interest happened today - got paid and so I'm still broke but at least I'm not in a hole (or at least not as deep a hole) as I was yesterday. Inspection went OK today, as house was clean when Section 8 man got here, and he only stood at the door and asked if the smoke alarm worked and the porch was fixed.

Good thing for today: Payday!!!!

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Inspection tomorrow but I'm happy to report that house is still clean. Watching some Star Wars special on E! and procrastinating cleaning the kitchen.

Middle child just woke up and is feeling kind of puny. Went to school this morning and lasted for one hour and ten minutes. And school is over for the year next week. Oh well. We are reading above first grade level and math is on track so I'm not worried about being behind next year. But this summer we'll still do some workbooks and phonics software just to keep in practice. Nothing intense, just fun.

Work was OK today - spent most of the day tearing the website down for complete re-build. Still won't take home more than 1K this month. My job sucks. But I'm only there until I graduate then I'll be a chemist and get a real job. Though I am really starting to hate chemistry. Right now I'm picturing the useless beta-lactam antibitoic doing absolutely nothing against the mycoplasms causing my kiddo's pneumonia and wanting to slap the doctor who told me, when I raised and objection to ampicillin, that I think too much.

So if we don't dramatically worsen over the course of the weekend we'll be back to the doctor Monday. Otherwise we'll be going to the ER over the weekend.

OK, is it just me, or do the characters in Attack of the Clones sound like they're reading their lines? I haven't seen it yet, but every add/preview/whatever they seem like they're just reading. Especially the two leads. My oldest child calls it "Send in the Clones"

Well, procrastination has lasted long enough. Will be taking kiddos to see new Star Wars this weekend if everybody is up to it. Back to cleaning the kitchen and hoping new Star Wars doesn't suck and drain all the magic left in it from my childhood. Certainly took a hit after last one.

Good thing for today: House is still clean.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

House still clean, and boss out of office so I got some work done today. In spite of a splitting headache I still have a pretty good outlook.

Middle kiddo seems better today - has been awake since about noon and seems to have an almost normal energy level, though we've had to use the rescue inhaler a few times today. But at least she's doing better.

Other than that, no news today - well, I did manage to bounce a check though I don't know why. I must have written down something wrong. I always cut it close anyway, but when I make a bonehead math mistake it winds up costing me. This brings me to a slight peeve. At church there's a big push to tithe. Yes, I know I should tithe, OK, but right now I can hardly meet my bills - sometimes I can't meet them, like last month when I brought home less than $700. Although I do have rental assistance and food stamps, I still can't make it on that. I know alot of people think that we on federal aid are sponging off the taxpayers and if we only worked harder, etc. etc. then we could get out of our situation. Maybe that's true for some people, but I DO work, and I go to school so I can get a better job and get into a higher tax bracket. And yes, I DO pay taxes. About a quarter of my ppaycheck goes to state, local, federal, and FICA. And since my ex is in prison I get ZERO child support. When he gets out next winter I will have to fight him for it. Since he is a pedophile he will have a hard time finding a job and so he will have tons of excuses for not paying. For right now all of our joint assets are tied up in legal battle, if they weren't repossessed. And everything that was his is hidden or has been sold. Since he can't continue to turn my little ones into porn stars he is going to make us all suffer.

So I work for $6/hr and go to school and ignore my lupus and throw myself into trying to be a good mom even though I'm never here. I miss my kids so much, and realize that when I am with them I hardly know them. Well, the kiddos are done with supper and hollering at each other.

Goos thing for today: The house is still clean.

Monday, May 13, 2002

House is finally clean. Stayed up all night scrubbing the walls and cleaning the carpet. Sent kids off to school and collapsed on the couch waiting for Section 8 inspection. Only to find out it's been rescheduled for Thursday. Sheesh. Well, at least the house is clean.

Middle kiddo has pneumonia. Everything else is OK. I'm worried about it, but I'm also so relieved the other tests have come back normal. I'm concerned that the pneumonia is exacerbated by some underlying thing cause. But we do have asthma and the steroids we're on may have masked symptoms for awhile so it got bad. Anyway, we've managed to stay out of the hospital so far and it's back to school tomorrow.

Youngest child is bugging the stew out of me. Trying to get kiddos to bed is way worse than pulling teeth. Since middle child is so sick we've kind of got our days and nights backwards. We're up and awake for a few hours at night but totally zonked during the day. Since my mom watches the kiddos when they aren't at school she just lets them sleep whenever and doesn't try at all to keep them on a normal human schedule. I realize it's easier for her, but not for the rest of us. But then again, I seem to worry more about everybody else and myself last.

I realized sometime during the night that I don't have life. School, work, home, no life. I think I don't exist anymore. But I guess that's OK too. Maybe when school is over I'll have time for a life. Maybe then I can find myself again and see who I am. Hopefully I'll be a better person for all of this.

Well, hamster is loose in the room with the cats. Back to it.

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

Phone! Phone!! I have a phone. Sitting here in the comfort of my couch, watching Blue's Clues and listening to youngest giggle as dog licks her face. Ahhhh. I LOVE technology. And now I can work from home 3 days a week. Though I'll miss the DSL at work, at least I can spend lotsa time with the kiddos during those long uploads.

Middle one is still very ill. Fever and vomiting now, lost 2 lbs since last time I took we were in. Pushing fluids heavily to prevent dehydration. Still no idea what's wrong, though cystic fibrosis can probably be ruled out altogether. Don't know if sperm donor carried the gene, or myself for that matter. But symptoms don't add up for me. I think the Dr. was just trying to freak me out. Blood work last week was heartbreakingly normal. Heartbreaking because there is obviously something going on with this kid and her white count wasn't even slightly elevated. Depression maybe??? I just want my happy, outgoing, wonderful child back. Right now we are asleep next to mom with a headache relief pad on and a fever of 103 one hour after Tylenol and 3 hours after Ibuprofen.

Youngest still fine after tick bite, though was really groggy last night and went to bed at 7pm, only to wake up again around midnight raring to go.

It's so nice not to have homework to do!!!! Only a few more weeks till I repeat Organic again. Maybe I'll get it this time.

Good thing for today: PHONE!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Today's almost over and I'm off again tomorrow, though hopefully with a phone so I can log on from home. If I can get my teenager to stay off the phone. Right now we are negotiating the purchase of some type of reptile. Teenager wants a chameleon, I want to not have to worry about taking care of another pet.

Hamster doing well. This one developed wet tail too, but after a week of treatment and TLC she's back on her feet. I've told the kiddos we have to get her used to us again because of being so sick. I really wish they hadn't found the first hamster in our hallway. Yep, that's right, I rescued a stray hamster. Now whenever one dies I have to "take it to the vet" and "get it used to us" all over again. Recently my kindergartener noticed the hamster had shrunk, but bought the 4yr-old's excuse that hamsters shrink when they get sick. Fortunately the markings are the same and I'm sticking with females since the little ones have astutely noticed that males have "Those little things hanging on their butt." Also the original hamster we rescued was a female. I don't believe in naming one animal the same name as another, so I mentally add a 3 onto the hamster's name whenever talking about her.

My cat's in heat again. Sleepless nights in my house since my male cat (altered already) doesn't like to stay home when she's this way. Typical man. She walks up and the hall yelling "NO!" at the top of her little cat lungs. Also rescued her - found her freezing on my back porch last winter and haven't been able to get her fixed yet.

Ho - hum. Killing time until time to go home. Think I'll go smoke a couple of cigarettes and check on my kids. I'm sure there will yet another plea for a lizard. If I come home to a clean(er) house I may pretend to consider it.

Eventful weekend. Sort of. Phone will be hooked up sometime Wednesday Hooray!!!!! Phone number changing, what a pain. But that's OK since it's WAY cheaper than the local mega-company.

Middle child ate entire shaker of popcorn salt while everyone was asleep Sunday night. Threw up somtime in the night then went back to bed. Took back to Dr. and was lectured that eating salt is bad. Wondering if I'm going to have to chain bedroom door shut to prevent these late night kitchen excursions.

Bought food Sunday (including popcorn salt which 5yr-old consumed). Lots of fresh fruit and veggies, bread, cheese, junk cereal and nutritious cereal, etc. etc. Even ice cream and popsicles. So why we chose to eat an entire bottle of popcorn salt is beyond me. Cleaned the kitchen, and I mean REALLY cleaned the kitchen. Hands and knees scrubbing of floor, washing walls, organizing and wiping out drawers and cabinets. Tonight will do either living room and/or playroom if kids have stuff picked up. Getting ready for annual inspection so making sure walls and carpets are clean, stuff well organized, etc. Also a good opportunity to get rid of broken toys, outgrown clothes, etc. Doing one room every day, so should be done in time for inspection Monday morning.

Good thing of the weekend and today: At least I'm not in school!

Friday, May 03, 2002

Took middle child in today - test to be run when regular doctor returns from missions trip. Possibilities include: Cystic Fibrosis, Leukemia, Diabetes. Doc back in town next Thursday. So guess I won't be sleeping for awhile. Couldn't they have just said "obviously there's something, rest, fluids, re-check on Thursday." It probably IS nothing and I'm just a worried mom.

Done with work today, but not done working so sitting around playing till 6. Bad thing about retail - have to be here during posted hours even when it's not busy and nothing to do. The weather here is HORRIBLE so we've had 3 customers all day. Think I'll clean my office. Nah. Think I'll just play.

Last day to post this week. Maybe will have a phone Monday. Glad finals are over and hoping to get some housework done.

Good thing for today: It's Friday and I'm off this weekend.

Thursday, May 02, 2002

Final final last night - and I failed miserably I'm sure. Almost half the stuff wasn't covered in the class and I finally just gave up. He isn't great about giving partial credit so I'm screwed on the questions I tried to B.S. through anyway.

Boss out of the office today so I am pretty much on my own. Getting my sea legs back now that I'll be full-time again. It was weird to come home last night and have no homework to do. Really weird. Of course I'll be right back at it June 26, when I re-take organic.

On the kiddo front - middle child home from school due to field day. Asthma is too bad to go into a field all day with a teacher who ignores inhaler requests. Next year I'll get a carry permit for the inhaler. Sheesh. Youngest child super clingy but still sweet as ever. No signs of lyme disease or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Oldest child has rotten attitude typical of teenagers. Four more years to go. Then I'll have a teenager break for about three years before I have it double.

Getting new phone service NEXT WEEK!!!!! Can't wait. Possibly also high-speed internet if I can get the package bundle cheaper than what I'm paying for cable/phone now. See me smiling?????

Good thing for yesterday: Finals are OVER!!!!!!!